After my daily walk this morning, I got inspired to write an article about my childhood. I thought that even if I never published it, writing it would help me to deal with some feelings from my past. Sadly, all it did was make me angry.
At first I surprised myself by being so angry. Here I am, 45 years of age and holding on to things from 1983. Sheesh! Get over it. But the honest truth is, I am over it. I’ve been “over it” for a long time, it was just the looking back to write about it that brought back those feelings of anger and frustration. I deleted the article and decided to write this one instead.
We have zero control over how we are raised. Sure, we challenge authority as we develop and grow, but the bottom line is our parents and/or guardians are in charge of our growth and development and we can do very little about it. Unless, and I hope this is not the case, you are abused and/or in danger, you should reach out to those in authority to help you leave your dangerous situation.
When we finally become adults we can choose our own path and make the choices that are best suited for us as individuals. Sometimes we continue in the path our parents and/or guardians set for us, or we bravely forge our own trail and defy everything we were ever taught. I proudly chose the second option.
Yes, I am angry about the way I was raised. Yes, I wish things could have been different for me. I feel cheated out of a “normal” childhood, missing out on what are basic human experiences. Public school. Dances. Socializing. Secular education. Higher education. Dating. Movies. Television. Classic books. The list could go on. But I’m 45 years old now. I can choose to continue to be angry about the things I missed out on, or I can simply choose to do things right here, right now that I want to do in order to become the person I want to be.
Letting it go will never be easy. There will be times when things are going to trigger a memory and I’m going to feel the anger well up inside me. But I will acknowledge it, deal with it, and then let it go. Hopefully letting it be as well.
My writing lately has consisted of who I am now. To some extent it matters who I was, but what truly matters is who I am now and who I want to be. And part of that is being who I needed, when I was who I was, back when I didn’t want to be, who I was being told to be. Were you able to understand that?
Until next time,